Check out all my blog posts. It’s where I show off my genius!
After all I am the smartest. And the best.
Only thing that sucks is that I didn’t actually win the Gubernatorial election. And that’s only because it turns out it was last year. So I guess I’s a bit late on that one. Never was a person focused on punctuality. More to life than being always on time. Am I right!
But I did win all the other elections so I’s heading to DC to put some political duct tape on this great country of ours and get it running cheaper and better than ever. Those is my core values!
So I guess I won’t be able to write in my blog as often. Not fair to my millions of fans, but I gots to put the needs of the many before the needs of the few. That’s awfully Vulcan of me, I know. But logic dictates that I’m the smartest one in the room. Regardless of the room.
So, don’t bother calling me to fix your furnace while I’s gone. My answering machine is bound to get full up soon enough. With me in charge of both branches of government, you won’t have Bandit it kick around anymore. Fix it yourself. That’s the only thing cheaper than calling me.
Or put on a sweater, you baby!
Just a few more days left for your opportunity to vote for the smartest candidate to ever run for congress, senate, governor and mayor all at the same time. And when I win, I’s going to be even more legendary than I already is. If that’s even possible.
Here’s a fun fact, when I win the election for governor, it’s called the Gubernatorial election. Gubernatorial. That’s a real word, son. I didn’t make it up, even if it sounds like I did. Gubernatorial. I’s going to be sayin’ that all day now.
Now remember, I was a little late filling out the forms for all the stuff I’m running for. So you’re going to have to write me in on your ballot. Just scratch out all the names of the boneheads what’s running against me, and write in, “Bandit!” If you really want me to win, and I know you do, put lots of them explanation marks behind it. Doesn’t count as more votes but it makes your choice that much clearer to the ones counting the ballots. So write in, “Bandit!!!!!!!” just to be safe.
So don’t forget to exercise your franchise. When I first heard that phrase, I thought it was dirty. Turns out it’s just politician talk for “vote.” Tuesday or Wednesday, I think. I don’t know. Look it up if yer not sure. I shouldn’t have to do all the work for you! Send me to Warshington where I can be in charge of everything and fix what’s wrong with our country. Here’s a hint: What’s wrong with out country is that I’m not the boss. Yet!
I am the smartest one running for office after all.
Gonna level with you. When I decided to run for office I figured it would be a great opportunity to meet chicks. Didn’t think I would actually win. That’s why I simultaneously ran for Governor, Congress, Senate and Mayor. Just covering my bases. But then I had to confront the reality of my incredible intelligence and popularity. Looks like everyone wants to vote for me. Can’t blame ‘em. Have you seen who I’m up against? Exactly. No wonder I’m leading in four counties.
Bet Todd wishes he’d come up with this great idea himself. Who’s laughing now, Todd!
I mean, go ahead and try to name just one person who’s running against me. Cain’t, right? I’s got the biggest name and the largest brain in the whole country, not just the state.
So don’t forget to write me in on the ballot for every election you’s voting in. I didn’t bother to officially run. That takes planning and sacrifice. And that’s not exactly my style. Ask not what your country can do for you. You go ahead and do a little extra work by writing in Bandit on the ballot. I promise a donut in every pot and some duct tape on every furnace. And you can take that to the bank.
Election day is in November sometime. Look it up. Don’t forget to vote Bandit. It’s yer civic duty!
Friends, fellow Virginians, countrymen… lend me yer ears.
Be sur to write in “BANDIT” when yer votin’ on Tuesday, November 6th!
I’s making the world a better place one Burrito-Night at a time.
I gots the best ideas in the heating and cooling business. That’s why everyone’s always trying to copy me. But this time, I may have even outdone myself. Fer Cinco de Moe’s, I’m giving away a year’s supply of burrito-nights at Moe’s to one lucky winner
(Well… I guess Moe’s is giving it away. But it was all my idea, remember!)
Here’s what you do.
Text the word BANDIT to 77000. And don’t fergit who told ya!
Fer once, my arch-nemesis Todd, from that stupid One-Hour outfit, can’t take the credit. Remember, burrito-night is about indoor air quality. With yer super-expensive indoor air quality equipage from Bandit Air dot com, you can enjoy all the burritos ya want with no concern for yer personal environmentals.
If you win, you and I (and Todd) will take a limo ride to Moe’s on May 5th, just
to celebrate how smart I am, and how lucky you is fer winning! And lunch is on
Click here for contest rules.
If yer not planning to not miss out going to One Hour Cares Fest, then yer stoopid with a capital oopid.
Just checking the math on that last sentence, and I think I gots it right.
Point is, it’s just a few more days until One Hour Cares Fest. And that means you might miss a chance to meet your favourite local celebrity. No, not Todd. ME!
April 21 is the day.
Hunt Club Farm is the place
One Hour Cares is the reason
Helping little guys and gals doing big things is the point
Whitney Woerz is just some of the entertainment.
Todd is one of the hosts.
Bandit is the star of the show, naturally.
Years from now people is gonna ax you where you was on April 21, 2018. If yer as smart as me, you’re gonna say, “I was at One Hour Cares Fest. I was really there.” Everyone else is just gonna lie and pretend they was there when they wasn’t. Hell, I’ve personally talked to over 400,000 people what claim to have been at Woodstock. This is gonna be even more important, historically. Because of my involvement, ya understand.
Getting yer picture taken with ol’ Bandit? That’s why the selfie was invented, son.
Put that in yer calendar and smoke it!
One Hour Cares Fest is comin’ and yer invited!
If yer like me, and that’s the best way to be, then you love giving back to the community what pays y— I mean the community that supports you. Todd does it by writing big checks. I does it the old fashioned way, by yelling and banging pots and pans together. Whatever I gots to do to get the word out.
April 21th is One Hour Cares Fest at Hunt Club Farm.
Now here’s what yer gonna get.
- Ya gets to meet me. (and really, you don’t need anything else, but I’m all about added-value)
- Connect with a boat-load of local charities who is doing a lot of good in Hampton Roads
- Give ‘em some money if you gots any extra.
- Listen to live bands like Whitney Woerz (She’s purty)
- Critters. It’s a farm after all.
- Watch as Todd does his thing. I puts up with it because we’s partners in the One Hour Cares thing. He’s giving away a bunch of money, you can bet on it.
Did I mention it’s April Twenty-Oneth?
So bring yer family and get in line to meet me. Never had a family myself, so I might want to hang with yer’n.
Always thought I’d be a good Tug Boat Captain. So I did me a little research and it turns out Paraguay is just dying for someone as smart as me. Seems there’s virtually nobody in Paraguay qualified to operate a tug-boat. So that makes me a shoe-in for being the top man in the field.
I’s used to being the best at pretty much everything I does.
So if you’re in South America and you needs yer super-tanker, or yer sailboat, or yer battleship or canoe or whatever towed from point A to point B just call my answering machine. I might just be out swabbing the deck and therefore too busy to answer the phone myself. Can’t say for sure. In the meantime, I hope yer enjoying life without ol’ Bandit, dull and boring though it is. For you, I mean. I’m enjoying all my new friends who appreciate me proper-like.
As for Todd, he can jump in the lake with the rest of you deadbeats what don’t give me the respect I deserves.
Since I’s always looking fer ways to make things cheaper, I done decided to sell air conditioners where it’s already cold. Then if it breaks down, no one’ll notice! So I’s heading to Antarctica. I’m so smart I can sell AC to penguins. With Bandit’s patented antarctic air conditioners, ya don’t needs to plug ‘em in or nothing. It’s green technology. All the cold you want, for virtually free. **Some Exceptions apply.
So enjoy your time without Bandit. Youse is the ones what said I should go away. So instead of watching me on the radio, you can listen to regular boring commercials that nobody likes. You couldn’t pay me to come back. But if you want to try, just send your money by email to the address on my home page. I don’t have to like it, but I’ll cash the check.
I’ll be the top air conditioning service in the whole continent by the end of the week, I’m guessing. So call now if you want me to do your installation. My answering machine is on 24/7 to remind you what I used to sound like.
** There’s a few days in January where it might be a little too warm. Suck it up, ya baby.
I know not everybody likes ‘ol Bandit. Specially my competitors who ain’t as smart or as good looking as me. But them internet trolls is getting on my nerves. Even Todd could’t believe it when somebody said I shouldn’t be on the radio and tv no more. And Todd’s a marketing genius! (smart enough to have me on his commercials, am I right?)
But just because I’m the cheapest, and the best don’t mean I don’t got feelings. So if you don’t want me around no more, fine. I’ll take my business where I’m ‘preciated. You can still call my answering machine if ya want yer heating and air-conditioning done cheap, if not particularly fast-like.
But you’ll have to look elsewhere for yer favorite media personality. I’s going on strike!