Check out all my blog posts. It’s where I show off my genius!
Always thought I’d be a good Tug Boat Captain. So I did me a little research and it turns out Paraguay is just dying for someone as smart as me. Seems there’s virtually nobody in Paraguay qualified to operate a tug-boat. So that makes me a shoe-in for being the top man in the field.
I’s used to being the best at pretty much everything I does.
So if you’re in South America and you needs yer super-tanker, or yer sailboat, or yer battleship or canoe or whatever towed from point A to point B just call my answering machine. I might just be out swabbing the deck and therefore too busy to answer the phone myself. Can’t say for sure. In the meantime, I hope yer enjoying life without ol’ Bandit, dull and boring though it is. For you, I mean. I’m enjoying all my new friends who appreciate me proper-like.
As for Todd, he can jump in the lake with the rest of you deadbeats what don’t give me the respect I deserves.
Since I’s always looking fer ways to make things cheaper, I done decided to sell air conditioners where it’s already cold. Then if it breaks down, no one’ll notice! So I’s heading to Antarctica. I’m so smart I can sell AC to penguins. With Bandit’s patented antarctic air conditioners, ya don’t needs to plug ‘em in or nothing. It’s green technology. All the cold you want, for virtually free. **Some Exceptions apply.
So enjoy your time without Bandit. Youse is the ones what said I should go away. So instead of watching me on the radio, you can listen to regular boring commercials that nobody likes. You couldn’t pay me to come back. But if you want to try, just send your money by email to the address on my home page. I don’t have to like it, but I’ll cash the check.
I’ll be the top air conditioning service in the whole continent by the end of the week, I’m guessing. So call now if you want me to do your installation. My answering machine is on 24/7 to remind you what I used to sound like.
** There’s a few days in January where it might be a little too warm. Suck it up, ya baby.
I know not everybody likes ‘ol Bandit. Specially my competitors who ain’t as smart or as good looking as me. But them internet trolls is getting on my nerves. Even Todd could’t believe it when somebody said I shouldn’t be on the radio and tv no more. And Todd’s a marketing genius! (smart enough to have me on his commercials, am I right?)
But just because I’m the cheapest, and the best don’t mean I don’t got feelings. So if you don’t want me around no more, fine. I’ll take my business where I’m ‘preciated. You can still call my answering machine if ya want yer heating and air-conditioning done cheap, if not particularly fast-like.
But you’ll have to look elsewhere for yer favorite media personality. I’s going on strike!
Nobody’s smarter than me. Nobody’s cheaper than me. Nobody’s more patriotic than me. And I’m combining all three of my stellar qualities together for my 4th of July Air Conditioning Sale-ute The Flag Tune-Up Special. For just $704 (Get it? That’s 07/04, only in money.) I’ll come to your home of the brave and give you a Independence Day Tune-Up that’ll knock yer socks off.
Now my rival in the HVAC business (pronounced aichveeaysee) don’t like to promote nuthin’ during national holidays. I picks up the ball he drops every year. It’s how I get through the perilous fight we got going on between us.
So do yer patriotic duty and say you can see by the dawn’s early light that it’s time to spend money with Ol’ Bandit. Everyone who buys my 4th of July Air Conditioning Sale-ute The Flag Tune-Up Special gets certain unalienable rights including the right to a deal when times is slow for me anyways.
Plus I’ll throw in a red, white and blue air filter for only $17.76. So don’t call Todd. He don’t want yer business as much as I do. Or else he’d be yelling about his own 4th of July Sale from sea to shining sea. Only he ain’t.
I consider Todd at One Hour my friend, even though he’s my competition, and he can be a bit nutty. And this time of year he sometimes get kookier than usual. Fer example, all of us HVAC (pronounced HVAC) guys have a gimmick promotional concept we like to call Bandit’s Super-Value Spring-AC-Tune-Up Special Event! Or some variationing on the theme. You can swap out some of them marketing words; they’re pretty much interchangeable.
Here’s the best part. We’s basically just chargin’ people a hundred bucks or so to do an inspection. It’s a great deal. For me! You pays the moolah, I comes and checks out yer system and finds something expensive to fix. It’s a win-win, really.
But here’s where I make you feel good about it. Because while it’s not really a smart idea to pay someone to find ways to charge you even more money, I does it cheaper. My tune up special is only $49.98, which is a penny less than the next cheapest. So while it doesn’t really help you, at least you can afford it.
Now, Todd likes to charge more n I do, which is why I’m better, and smarter. But he actually does a bunch of service work. Enough that he can guarantee your system won’t break down for the rest of the summer. Which if you ax me, is just preventing him from making more money. Well, dang it all to helipads, that’s just dumb!
I’s coming to the Mid Atlantic Home & Outdoor Living Show. Wow, that’s a mouthful. I wish they’d shorten it to something a little easier, like the Home Show!
Ol’ Bandit’s working on putting together the Bandit Air booth, if I kin finds enough cardboard to really get the job done adequate. Worst case, I just sneak into Todd’s One Hour booth, #702. They love having me around! Don’t believe me? Just think of who’d miss me the most if I were gone? That’s right. Todd! After all, without me, who’s sidekick would Todd be? Nobody! That’s who.
If yer looking for stuff done cheap? I can help ya. If yer looking for someone who specializes in everything? I’m your man. If you’re looking for a simple explanation of photosynthesis, yer barking up the wrong tree.
The show runs from Friday March 31th to Sunday April 2th. And I’ll be there as often as I can, unless I gets a better offer, in which case then I won’t. Listen, I can’t get pinned down. Give a guy some space! Being the cheapest and the best means I have to let a few things slide. Like reliability. So cross your fingers real tight and hope to see me at the Mid Atlantic Home & Outdoor Living Show.
If yer not there, then you’re nowhere. That’s what I say.
I’m proud to say that I specialize in everything. That’s so much better than people like my competition, what only specializes in Residential Heating and AC. Ol’ Bandit isn’t just good at a few things. I’s good at everthing.
Need a new furnace? I’m yer guy. Cat stuck in a tree? Call Bandit! Lookin’ for a cheap ride to the airport? It’s Bandit to the rescue once again.
I may have surprised a few folks who weren’t expecting their favourite media personality to be providing such personal service. But when you specialize in everything, this sort of thing can happen. So when you’re booking a car-ride on one of those uber-cool online app thingies, cross yer fingers and hope like H-E double hockey-sticks that it’ll be Bandit at your door.
I’ll even carry yer bags. Calls that value-added!
So take that, Todd. You may think that being good at only a couple things is good enough. But cheap, uh… I mean, “value-conscious” consumers know that being good at everything is better. In fact I’m the best. So run that up your flag-pole and salute it!
Listen. I don’t give a damselfly what religion y’are. The important thing about the holidays is makin’ sure you take the time out to call Ol’ Bandit fer heating system repair. I cain’t says I’s the fastest. But I is the cheapest. And the best. How do you know the cheapest is the best? Because the best is always the cheapest! Which begs the question of course. But I don’t have time to explain circular reasoning to y’all.
Plus, I’m not just the cheapest and the best, I’s also the handiest guy to have around because unlike some people, I specialize in everything! Sure, people call Bandit Air for my Heating & AC abilities. But I can also help with puttin’ up yer Christmas lights, roastin’ yer chestnuts, or cleaning out the chimney so Old Man Claus doesn’t git all dirty coming down to get his cookies.
Having said all that, don’t call from the 24th to the 28th because I’m takin’ so time off. I’m also unavailable during Hanukkah, as Todd likes to have me over to celebrate with his family. He’s super-proud to call me his friend. And don’t get me started about the New Year thing. I’m out of commission from around noon on the 31th to about the middle of the following week. Not sure who you should call when I’m busy, but you might ask google.
I likes to celebrate in a big way, if ya catch my drift.
Anyhoo, as long as yer problem is convenient for me, and nice and expensive, I’m happy to look after ya. My answering machine in on 24 hours a day to serve you with a soothing pre-recorded message that’s sure to make you feel better about whatever’s gone wrong. And you can rest assured I’ll get to you when I get to you.
Happy Holidays from all of us at Bandit Air. It’s just me, but I say “us” to be more inclusive.
Ol’ Bandit might not be the fastest, or the most reliable… or the cleanest – or come to think of it maybe not the best smelling of yer heating and air conditioning people. But dang it all to helicopters, I sure as snot am the cheapest. Plus I’s got the best marketing too. I bring donuts whenever I’m late. We calls that value-added!
So Todd in his typical copying way jumps on the givin’-stuff-away bandwagon just as I’m makin’ it trendy, and starts handing out free air filters to everone in his Comfort Club family. What was ya thinking, Todd! Everybody knows donuts taste better ’n air filters. Jeez!
I s’pose you done herd about Todd’s offer where he wants to put in the “Perfect Sized System” fer yer home. Well, that just goes to show he don’t know nuthin’ ‘bout economies of scale. What I does is, I gets me the cheapest Heating and Air Conditioning Systems money can buy, and then I grab up a pile of ‘em to get me a volume discount. And with a little bit of bendin’ and just a tiny amount of scrapin’ I can wedge ‘em into pretty much anybody’s home. Even yers.
Sometimes I gots ta drill out the holes to make ‘em fit. But that’s why the Good Lord done created power tools!
The way I looks at it, the “Perfect Sized System” is the cheapest one. And that’s why Bandit Air is the best! Again. Like always. Todd’s not the cheapest. So how can he be the best!