Check out all my blog posts. It’s where I show off my genius!
Friends, fellow Virginians, countrymen… lend me yer ears.
Be sur to write in “BANDIT” when yer votin’ on Tuesday, November 6th!
I’s making the world a better place one Burrito-Night at a time.
I gots the best ideas in the heating and cooling business. That’s why everyone’s always trying to copy me. But this time, I may have even outdone myself. Fer Cinco de Moe’s, I’m giving away a year’s supply of burrito-nights at Moe’s to one lucky winner
(Well… I guess Moe’s is giving it away. But it was all my idea, remember!)
Here’s what you do.
Text the word BANDIT to 77000. And don’t fergit who told ya!
Fer once, my arch-nemesis Todd, from that stupid One-Hour outfit, can’t take the credit. Remember, burrito-night is about indoor air quality. With yer super-expensive indoor air quality equipage from Bandit Air dot com, you can enjoy all the burritos ya want with no concern for yer personal environmentals.
If you win, you and I (and Todd) will take a limo ride to Moe’s on May 5th, just
to celebrate how smart I am, and how lucky you is fer winning! And lunch is on
Click here for contest rules.
If yer not planning to not miss out going to One Hour Cares Fest, then yer stoopid with a capital oopid.
Just checking the math on that last sentence, and I think I gots it right.
Point is, it’s just a few more days until One Hour Cares Fest. And that means you might miss a chance to meet your favourite local celebrity. No, not Todd. ME!
April 21 is the day.
Hunt Club Farm is the place
One Hour Cares is the reason
Helping little guys and gals doing big things is the point
Whitney Woerz is just some of the entertainment.
Todd is one of the hosts.
Bandit is the star of the show, naturally.
Years from now people is gonna ax you where you was on April 21, 2018. If yer as smart as me, you’re gonna say, “I was at One Hour Cares Fest. I was really there.” Everyone else is just gonna lie and pretend they was there when they wasn’t. Hell, I’ve personally talked to over 400,000 people what claim to have been at Woodstock. This is gonna be even more important, historically. Because of my involvement, ya understand.
Getting yer picture taken with ol’ Bandit? That’s why the selfie was invented, son.
Put that in yer calendar and smoke it!
One Hour Cares Fest is comin’ and yer invited!
If yer like me, and that’s the best way to be, then you love giving back to the community what pays y— I mean the community that supports you. Todd does it by writing big checks. I does it the old fashioned way, by yelling and banging pots and pans together. Whatever I gots to do to get the word out.
April 21th is One Hour Cares Fest at Hunt Club Farm.
Now here’s what yer gonna get.
- Ya gets to meet me. (and really, you don’t need anything else, but I’m all about added-value)
- Connect with a boat-load of local charities who is doing a lot of good in Hampton Roads
- Give ‘em some money if you gots any extra.
- Listen to live bands like Whitney Woerz (She’s purty)
- Critters. It’s a farm after all.
- Watch as Todd does his thing. I puts up with it because we’s partners in the One Hour Cares thing. He’s giving away a bunch of money, you can bet on it.
Did I mention it’s April Twenty-Oneth?
So bring yer family and get in line to meet me. Never had a family myself, so I might want to hang with yer’n.
Always thought I’d be a good Tug Boat Captain. So I did me a little research and it turns out Paraguay is just dying for someone as smart as me. Seems there’s virtually nobody in Paraguay qualified to operate a tug-boat. So that makes me a shoe-in for being the top man in the field.
I’s used to being the best at pretty much everything I does.
So if you’re in South America and you needs yer super-tanker, or yer sailboat, or yer battleship or canoe or whatever towed from point A to point B just call my answering machine. I might just be out swabbing the deck and therefore too busy to answer the phone myself. Can’t say for sure. In the meantime, I hope yer enjoying life without ol’ Bandit, dull and boring though it is. For you, I mean. I’m enjoying all my new friends who appreciate me proper-like.
As for Todd, he can jump in the lake with the rest of you deadbeats what don’t give me the respect I deserves.
Since I’s always looking fer ways to make things cheaper, I done decided to sell air conditioners where it’s already cold. Then if it breaks down, no one’ll notice! So I’s heading to Antarctica. I’m so smart I can sell AC to penguins. With Bandit’s patented antarctic air conditioners, ya don’t needs to plug ‘em in or nothing. It’s green technology. All the cold you want, for virtually free. **Some Exceptions apply.
So enjoy your time without Bandit. Youse is the ones what said I should go away. So instead of watching me on the radio, you can listen to regular boring commercials that nobody likes. You couldn’t pay me to come back. But if you want to try, just send your money by email to the address on my home page. I don’t have to like it, but I’ll cash the check.
I’ll be the top air conditioning service in the whole continent by the end of the week, I’m guessing. So call now if you want me to do your installation. My answering machine is on 24/7 to remind you what I used to sound like.
** There’s a few days in January where it might be a little too warm. Suck it up, ya baby.
I know not everybody likes ‘ol Bandit. Specially my competitors who ain’t as smart or as good looking as me. But them internet trolls is getting on my nerves. Even Todd could’t believe it when somebody said I shouldn’t be on the radio and tv no more. And Todd’s a marketing genius! (smart enough to have me on his commercials, am I right?)
But just because I’m the cheapest, and the best don’t mean I don’t got feelings. So if you don’t want me around no more, fine. I’ll take my business where I’m ‘preciated. You can still call my answering machine if ya want yer heating and air-conditioning done cheap, if not particularly fast-like.
But you’ll have to look elsewhere for yer favorite media personality. I’s going on strike!
Nobody’s smarter than me. Nobody’s cheaper than me. Nobody’s more patriotic than me. And I’m combining all three of my stellar qualities together for my 4th of July Air Conditioning Sale-ute The Flag Tune-Up Special. For just $704 (Get it? That’s 07/04, only in money.) I’ll come to your home of the brave and give you a Independence Day Tune-Up that’ll knock yer socks off.
Now my rival in the HVAC business (pronounced aichveeaysee) don’t like to promote nuthin’ during national holidays. I picks up the ball he drops every year. It’s how I get through the perilous fight we got going on between us.
So do yer patriotic duty and say you can see by the dawn’s early light that it’s time to spend money with Ol’ Bandit. Everyone who buys my 4th of July Air Conditioning Sale-ute The Flag Tune-Up Special gets certain unalienable rights including the right to a deal when times is slow for me anyways.
Plus I’ll throw in a red, white and blue air filter for only $17.76. So don’t call Todd. He don’t want yer business as much as I do. Or else he’d be yelling about his own 4th of July Sale from sea to shining sea. Only he ain’t.
I consider Todd at One Hour my friend, even though he’s my competition, and he can be a bit nutty. And this time of year he sometimes get kookier than usual. Fer example, all of us HVAC (pronounced HVAC) guys have a gimmick promotional concept we like to call Bandit’s Super-Value Spring-AC-Tune-Up Special Event! Or some variationing on the theme. You can swap out some of them marketing words; they’re pretty much interchangeable.
Here’s the best part. We’s basically just chargin’ people a hundred bucks or so to do an inspection. It’s a great deal. For me! You pays the moolah, I comes and checks out yer system and finds something expensive to fix. It’s a win-win, really.
But here’s where I make you feel good about it. Because while it’s not really a smart idea to pay someone to find ways to charge you even more money, I does it cheaper. My tune up special is only $49.98, which is a penny less than the next cheapest. So while it doesn’t really help you, at least you can afford it.
Now, Todd likes to charge more n I do, which is why I’m better, and smarter. But he actually does a bunch of service work. Enough that he can guarantee your system won’t break down for the rest of the summer. Which if you ax me, is just preventing him from making more money. Well, dang it all to helipads, that’s just dumb!
I’s coming to the Mid Atlantic Home & Outdoor Living Show. Wow, that’s a mouthful. I wish they’d shorten it to something a little easier, like the Home Show!
Ol’ Bandit’s working on putting together the Bandit Air booth, if I kin finds enough cardboard to really get the job done adequate. Worst case, I just sneak into Todd’s One Hour booth, #702. They love having me around! Don’t believe me? Just think of who’d miss me the most if I were gone? That’s right. Todd! After all, without me, who’s sidekick would Todd be? Nobody! That’s who.
If yer looking for stuff done cheap? I can help ya. If yer looking for someone who specializes in everything? I’m your man. If you’re looking for a simple explanation of photosynthesis, yer barking up the wrong tree.
The show runs from Friday March 31th to Sunday April 2th. And I’ll be there as often as I can, unless I gets a better offer, in which case then I won’t. Listen, I can’t get pinned down. Give a guy some space! Being the cheapest and the best means I have to let a few things slide. Like reliability. So cross your fingers real tight and hope to see me at the Mid Atlantic Home & Outdoor Living Show.
If yer not there, then you’re nowhere. That’s what I say.